Taxi Cab Confessions: #1

I know some of you are probably wondering where the heck did this blog come from? Especially because I have all these posts on here yet only shared it for the first time now. Today I launched it, FINALLY- this blog that I’ve been thinking about since the beginning of the year but had yet to complete. All my posts were recently created and back dated because I didn’t want you all to come upon an empty website.  I could have done a better job with some of the posts, but I was running out of time since I had procrastinated.

All the mass editing also had me dizzy! I cranked and cranked and crammed this past month so that I could give you more of a taste in the direction I want to take this, whatever that direction becomes!

This is a personal project for me. It’s my new creative outlet. It’s not some big plan to make it into anything other than a place I can call my own. If you’re here and decide to come back, thanks, you’re making my day! At one point I even wondered if it was even worth me trying to put this up since I had procrastinated so long. But I had to keep going, and set aside the fact that I didn’t know whether anyone would ever look at it.  I kept reminding myself why I wanted to create this blog,

This is a personal project for ME.

After our wedding, I felt lost, in limbo. Here I was, a wife with a husband that was living across country while I was spending my last few months alone in my beloved Manhattan apartment (of 8 years, unusual for NYC). I was about to move to SF but wouldn’t move until January. I was nervous about finding a new home for us before the year was over. Would we be able to find anything? The market in San Francisco was a crazy rat race. News stories reported protesting and a class war emerging. I was receiving new career opportunities in NY but saying “no” because SF was inevitable and I realized I was not emotionally ready anyway. I was on break from my last startup but my anxiety kept me up at night wondering “what’s next?”

Although, my time off traveling during these months masked how I felt- overwhelmed, lost, confused, excited, anxious, and scared– the quiet moments alone reminded me of those feelings again and I hated it.

More distractions came as the holidays passed through, snow storms on the East Coast made headlines, and I made my final rounds of “good byes” to friends in NYC. As planned, my last day in NYC arrived, along with our movers.

Hello San Francisco.

“Welcome to SF!”

“How are you liking it?”

“Do you miss New York?”

“What do you do? Where do you work?”

Those questions became the norm every time I met up with anyone in San Francisco. The great thing was that we did love the move to SF and were enjoying the exploration period as newbies. I reveled in the Bay Area’s weather that was consistent! No more snow storms for me as I watched sympathetically on the news that my friends back East were still miserably trekking through snow and shoveling their way into spring! I didn’t have time to miss New York, or maybe it was that I was over NY like last season’s fashion trend. No, that wasn’t it. I was just ready for something new as newlyweds. NY will forever hold a special place in my heart. There’s nothing like it, but my husband and I knew the next stage in our life would need a different pace and space.

And when the question about what I was up to career-wise came up each time, I started to feel more confident to say I was in a transition mode and taking time off until we got settled. It sounded right, but because inside, I tricked myself into believing it was my right to do that, right???? (See the internal conflict developing?…)

My husband and I were living with my brother in San Jose, CA (an hour outside of San Francisco) while our condo was set for completion in March. We lived with only our carry-on suitcases, all other items in storage, and used brown paper bags as drawers for our unmentionables. We happily spent time getting to know my niece, Coco, brother, and sister in law. Learning to cook more Vietnamese food from my sister-in-law was another treat! It was a pretty blessed situation of limbo, if I have to admit.

I wasn’t ready to think about the tough question still, “what’s next?” for my career. I was in a foreign state of mind in a foreign place all in such a short amount of time. It was still weird for me to not be operating at 100 mph so while Coco napped, I started to think about a fun project to keep me busy. I figured, why not start a blog. For quite some time in the past I had always wanted to start one, so with my time off this seemed like the perfect project for me. I began jotting down ideas, created an “ABOUT” (which ended up changing 100 more times until launch), and browsed hundreds of theme designs. There was this small sense of accomplishment that the ball was rolling.

I took a trip to NY at the end of February. While I was out there, I decided I would interview and shoot a few friends for the blog. It was fun playing creative director for my blog. I still wasn’t completely sure yet on the details of the blog, but I at least had the inspiration to find inspiration. My first set of people helped me establish an interview style and solidified my concept. I enjoyed invading their space and listening to their story on how they started or what compelled them. It reminded me how it felt to be so passionate about something and risking it all to create it. I envied their drive and loved that my blog allowed for me to live vicariously through them. I said to myself, “This is good. Every person, place, or encounter inspires me. Embrace it all and share it.”

As I landed back in San Francisco from New York, it hit me. It was March. The first quarter of the year was over and we were closing on our new home, finally. Time was flying! This meant several things to me as my blog had to take a back seat to my pressing new agenda. The new agenda was moving ourselves into the condo and begin immediate home projects. All the photos I took were set aside for editing sometime in the near future.

The next couple of months I focused solely on that new agenda. I stationed myself in SF because I badly wanted to feel settled. I told myself that as soon as I got us settled, made this new condo feel like a home, I would get back on track with the blog and also start actively thinking about my career. I thought feeling settled would mean I would feel ready to embark on new career prospects. I technically wouldn’t be living in limbo anymore, at least that’s what I thought.

I have to backtrack and thank my husband. During this time of limbo, transition, craziness, he has been my biggest supporter. His patience has carried me to each day and comforted my anxiety. My husband knew how much I secretly struggled with the lingering question that wouldn’t escape me, “what’s next?” My internal struggle was clear even when I said nothing about it to him. As the days grew and more home projects amounted, my motivation for my blog withered away. The photos never got edited and I never decided on a design. The blog project buried itself somewhere in me and was no where to be found and I didn’t even care to look.

TO BE CONTINUED… 

The confessions series will tell my story on the struggle of my journey in adjusting to the changes this past year. I’m treating it like a diary- or a best friend that I’m talking to. You’ll notice I’m just talking forever in them. It’s the most personal I’ve ever been which is a huge step for me in overcoming my fear and posting it publicly. Feel free to skip around. I end each one where I do because that’s all the energy I have to write for that night. I figured there may be others in the same position as me to relate with. This year has taught me a lot about strength and fear. It has also been a reminder of how vulnerable we all are inside even when we seem so strong and lively to the world outside.